Theme From an Imaginary Film: A JOURNEY.

It's all a crazy joke

Detachment and Participating
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trafalgar
Must one be prepared to do be able to do things with detachment? Is that what it means to grow up (or to be prepared for the "world"?) There is a small debate going on in my mind and at the moment I do not think I am able to do anything with complete (or even partial) detachment. I feel deeply the things I do everyday. Perhaps I am just a bit more sensivite than most. Or maybe I feel too deeply? I am reading a book and there is one line that sort of poked me (as it did the first time I read the book). Are you participating, Ina? You have to participate, Ina.

I don't have any concrete plans this weekend. I may go shooting with my dad tomorrow. If that pushes through, I will be very happy. :)

it is 2016 after all
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It has been ages since I posted in LJ. I have a collection of other blogs in blogspot and wordpress - I stay in it for a month then forget all about it. Then when something extravagant happens, I go back to it to wright down mythoughts. Maybe I should just go back here. This old, tried, and tested space of mine in the WWW. A bunch of people know about this but probably nobody ever checks LJ anymore (hmm?). Interface has changed definitely (I guess I would be scared if it didnt change?).

Anyway, as a continuation to my last post, I am entering my 9th year in the company (gasp!).  And I really did injustice to myself for staying too long in one place. A part of me has died - if I look back today 9 years ago, I will ask: What happened to that Ina? And so this 2016 will be a year of changes. These are full changes: my soul, my body, my mind, my work, my pace, my decisions. There are things in mind that can easily be put back together (cutting my hair really short) but there are other things that can never be changed and will leave a mark forever. Those things are scarier definitly, but I have it in my mind. I've started with very small baby steps. But at some point I will need to make a leap. It feels like it will be a leap into darkness slash lightness. The leap itself will be a choice, but everything else related to it (what, when, where, how, who). I think I am ready. I think I was ready for a while now, I just needed to be woken up. Some things starting last year fell into place.

That's just a small bit of how I am feeling right at this very moment.

PS. I am at work. Taking a 10 min break.

Seven Years
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trafalgar

And so we find ourselves back in the same square. It has been six years since. This is the start of the seventh year. What do they say about seven years? Bad luck, I think, or good luck, or mirrors. Well, whatever, for me, seven years is long enough and seven years needs a change. The longest most people would spend in any one part of education would be about seven years - from grades one to seven. That never happened to me because I switched schools. Longest was five. So this is long enough.

Because I'm an honourable person, I am going to complete this last proxy season before I tender my resignation. I could do it right now in the middle of all this mess, but that wouldn't be an honourable thing to do. I'd be leaving my team and the people I have come to know (and respect) with a missing limb. I should have done it earlier. But in my case, the only option is to do it after proxy season. About June.

So what's next for me? Find another job and slave away? Figure out a business oportunity and take the plunge? Retreat from the world and be a hermit, a savage, an artist, what? Well whatever, the world is so open. I am not stuck. Nothing has made me stuck yet, I don't have a husband and kids to support and be with all day all year so the option is open. I just need to regain the confidence and the stride only a newly graduate has. It's time. Seven years has been long enough.


Lightness of Being.
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i wish you could pick me up
and in our lightness
disappear from the world completely

(no subject)
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I have nowhere else to put it, no one to tell it to, but I do think of you a lot, you from long long long ago, you who is far far far away. Well, I just wanted to put it down so that it is recorded. Lazy eye for you like samba.

Puerto Princessa
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I am back from a six day holiday in Puerto Princesa, Palawan and I must say I had a wonderful time. Time was slow, food was good, company was great, air was clean, nature was in bloom. I could live there forever. We had so much time but we weren't able to do all the touristy things, we'll save some for the next time! Because we are returning, definitely. A lot of my friends have said that Puerto Princesa isn't anything special, that Coron is much better, that the underground river is nothing special. But the place blew me. If people did not think the cave was a wonder of nature, what is? The waves of Sabang were wonderful as well. It beats Boracay and hundred times over. What are people talking about?

I vacationed with my mom, my dad and my tita. It was perfect. My tita is also a doctor and had some ongoing projects in the area, we visited one morning. It was optional, but we wanted it, to see another side of palawan. We went to one of the high schools in San Rafael. The children were about to have elections for student council for the next school year, so it was time of campaigning and speeches. Some of the kids were afraid of needles while others assured them that it wasnt more than an ant bite. The kids all spoke tagalog -- not the local dialect. Afterward we went to one of the beaches in the San Rafael coast - waves were strong, the beach was coral-y, there were two trees in the water. The place we dropped by was a small hotel owned by a british married to a filipina. We then headed to Viet Ville which was a bit disappointing, in terms of food. Still okay nevertheless. Part of the overall experience. So that was the second day. I wont be doing this in chronological order by the way. Who cares about those things nowadays anyway, and especially since i havent written in ages anyway.

Food. Okay food was awesome. Seafood was fresh, cooking was back to basics - simple grilling and soups and vegetables. Food was also really cheap. I had a casoy coffee two times -- the casoy was in paste form, used as the coffee's sweetener, and it gave the coffee this wonderful nutty flavor. I had their banana chips and casoy nuts and both were just so good. The food in Badjao Seafront and Ka Lui as others have written about were very good. We also one time bought fish and shrimp and vegetables in the market and cooked it the house of a friend of my tita's --- it can't get better! We tried Neva's Witch Pizzas (or something of the sort) and invited the two girls working in the project -- good times. We also tried this little place, owned by a guy originally from Negros, worked for a while in Manila, and finally retired in Puerto Princessa -- the Chicken Ina-to was the specialty, so I tried it and it was wonderful. They mostly had Bisaya food. Simple cooking, no overpowering seasonings but the flavour was there, and the chicken was good. My dad had their Lomi, it was the small order but it was good for two!, and it too was very good.

We did some island touring - Starfish Island, Pandan Island and a reef that had a wonderful many fishes. I saw a squid catch a fish and start eating. By the time we were finish snorkling, the squid was still eating (it was in the deeper part of the sea - non-reef, near the boats). The sun cooperated. The winds were beautiful. All the people we met on the way - tourists, locals, boatmen, tricycle drivers, restaurant servers, people jogging and walking in the morning -- all of them were so friendly. The city filled everyones heart with its charm and beauty. I would go back. I miss it already. I miss it oh so very much.

Because of Palawan I am taking everything slowly. Why do we always rush? Where are we all going? Who is chasing us? Why be so stressed? Why frown? Why be pissed at everything and everyone? Why can't we smile and appreciate the morning? Why don't we eat a lot fruits and vegetables? Why so much fast food? Anyway, that was my trip, I loved it, I was charmed by it, I will never forget it. I've loved each place I've been to in the Philippines. We have a wonderful and beautiful country. I am lucky to have seen it, to be part of it, to be able to appreciate it.    

The Inspiration
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trafalgar
There must be one person who inspires you, perhaps through his works, vocation, ideas or triumphs.

And if he were still living, would you travel to be in the same city he lives? Would you go visit the city of his childhood?

the guardian
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you asked me to be the guardian
i kept my eyes open
saw all those people passing by
all the cars and trucks
and i watched you
as you did your rounds
as your cursed and sang to tunes
i watched you little habits
and your impatience
i saw when you were kind
and gave way to those who were right
sometimes you saw me
sometimes you even said hello
in your caring way
lately i've been getting ruffles on the head
and more and more hugs
for that i thank you
but i am still guardian
i am still the keeper and the watchman
and i will always see the people
the cars and trucks
and i will always watch you

[peb's pov made it up just now]

Seeing You
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trafalgar
you stir my soul
which has been dormant
for some time
your smile is incredible
your eyes are searching
your whole being
gives me comfort
and stregth
i hope to one day
be able to give you my love
because i would give you all of it
all that you want
everything
it will all be yours
i wish that one day
you could see me that way
and love me too.
are we two lost souls
in a fish bowl?
make that round
and see me.

[found in a piece of paper in a notebook 9 Jan 2011]

Questions
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trafalgar

How is it that you are able to make me smile?
How is it that you are able to make me look for you?

This is very much unexpected.

?

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